You've done it countless times at home alone. In between, when no one is looking. You allow yourself a brief moment of pleasure, but before you can really savor it, something inside you urges you to quickly clean up. So you close the incognito browser with the SM porn or the shopping cart of that online store, filled with lube and anal plugs. Or you hastily take off the “women's underwear” and stow it away at the back of your wardrobe. Or you hide the handcuffs you've never used, because what good feminist would voluntarily let a man tie her up? (Good thing I'm not a man...)
For a moment, you were lost in a dream world. It could be so beautiful, but an inner voice comes to the fore: “Aren't you ashamed of yourself?”
BDSM and other forms of play beyond heteronormative sexual intercourse are finding their way into more and more bedrooms. If you ask me, this is a great development on the path to a sexually liberated society. As individuals, however, most of us have fantasies and preferences that we are ashamed of. Why is that still the case in an age when every search term on porn websites yields countless hits? In an age when there is nothing that does not exist? What is behind the shame and why can it be fun to play with it?
We feel ashamed when we violate rules and norms. We want to belong, behave appropriately, and not harm our fellow human beings. Shame is therefore a social emotion. It arises in interaction with others. And we learn very early on what we “should be ashamed of.” Sometimes quite explicitly. “Aren't you ashamed of yourself?”, “Girls don't do that”, “Men are strong”. And then also incidentally, when we observe how most people behave. What is valued by others, what is gossiped about, what is kept quiet?
And there is extensive silence about anything that deviates from the strong, dominant, potent man who knows exactly what he wants and the beautiful, selfless woman who naturally devotes herself to him...
As soon as you cross the threshold of the studio door, you enter a microcosm where different social rules apply. Here, you can be anything you want to be. I don't judge.
I want to challenge you to confide your secrets to me. I will give you the space and time you need to explore yourself with me. Tell me about your fantasies, and I will help you bring them to life. No hiding—not from me and not from yourself.
You contact me and outline in broad terms in a message the part of your desires that you think is feasible. The part that you can write down without feeling ashamed. You think that says it all and perhaps wish you had a blindfold to go with it. It makes it easier for you, you write. And I can relate to that.
What words would you use to describe these desires if you had to describe them to me again? Without a mask, just like that, over a glass of water or coffee, when we get to know each other. Would you simply repeat the rehearsed phrases from your email, or would you hastily mumble a much too long keyword into your water glass, from which you would then immediately take many small sips? You know very well that you are just buying time until you have to look at me again and see that I am about to ask you once more what you mean by that. Maybe you're annoyed that you didn't ask for a mask during the preliminary interview. Or you're surprised that this playroom isn't as gloomy and dark as a typical dungeon, and you secretly wish for a power outage.
How does it feel when I look deep into your eyes while I tell you everything I'm going to do to you? Can you only let yourself go while you're wearing the blindfold? What happens when I take it off and make you look into my eyes? Or into a mirror?
Let yourself go, let yourself be used, let yourself be admired, let yourself go.